Sometimes writing is much easier! 

Is there anyone out there?

I’m hoping so. But equally, if not, I suppose at least I can get my thoughts and feelings down.

It’s always been a therapy for me to write about how I’m feeling. In the past when I’ve been seriously upset about something I have typed away for hours through blurry eyes from crying and with shaking hands that are trying to get everything down that I’m thinking as quickly as possible, then after I feel a little better I have looked back, read what I’ve written and it’s all just a jumbled blur with typos everywhere, no punctuation and a lot of key words in capitals (because obviously you mean things WAY more when you use capitals!!) ha

Anyway, myself and my partner had 4 rounds of ivf, all with different outcomes but ultimately we never had a live birth, this blog isn’t to dredge thought the pain of ivf and what it entails. Looking at blogs myself I’m tired of reading all about the ins and outs of it all, what I want to do is to try and work through life after ivf, what my life means now, and how my life has been effected by my experiences!

I’d love to help people out there understand that while when it’s all happening ivf is EVERYTHING (capitals again) but there comes a point when it isn’t anymore, and that is scary, and exiting, and confusing, and a huge change in lifestyle, but that’s ok. Because like my partner told me only last night, it didn’t define me like I thought it did but it consumed me. (And spat me back out rather brutally) and now it’s time for that to change!

I’d love to share that with you! And hopefully help you guys get through it too!!

Infertility · Ivf

Weekends are so much easier! 

It’s Sunday morning and the suns out! Why is it that on a weekend things feel so much better especially with the sun shining!!??

Probably due to lake of responsibility! I don’t HAVE to get out of bed if I don’t want to! (I will though… promise!) but for the first time in a while I feel a sense of calm,  I don’t have an awful anxious feeling hanging over me making me feel sick and fidgety.. I’m not saying it won’t return but for now it’s not there and I am grateful for that!

I spoke to a friend I haven’t seen in a while last night, it was good to talk to someone who hasn’t been around for the ins and outs of everything for the last year or so.. sometimes you just need to put stuff into perspective a little bit to appreciate things and maybe that’s why I’m feeling so good this morning!

I’ve been thinking about starting an ivf support group. Online for sure but also I have been contemplating one in person. Maybe local ones for people who are at all different stages of infertility and ivf, I’d love to know what anyone reading this thinks about the idea? I’m not sure if I would have gone when I was having treatment. I’m worried it’s too personal and might make people uncomfortable talking about the gory details! (Lets face it, most of it is super gory really) online you can hide behind an unknown persona and know one would recognise you in the street. But equally maybe it would be great for people to have support in ‘real life’ anyway! It’s something I’m seriously considering! So what do you guys think??? Good idea? Bad idea??? Any thing you think I could do to make it better?? I’m open to ideas but would love to get something up and running!

Infertility · Ivf

Blogging seems to be pretty addictive! 

So this blogging malarkey seems to be pretty addictive!!

I got my first ever ‘like’ and it’s made my day!! *hope it wasn’t a mistake! I’m still getting used to how things work and what I’m actually doing but I’m definitely getting something out of it and that was the main objective!

I’m looking forward to an evening with a cuppa and having a look through as many ‘how to blog’ guides… ‘blogging for dummies’ might be a good one for me actually! *note to self… google blogging for dummies!

Anyway, I read this Daily mail article earlier and it was well worth reading for me, and I’m sure it would be for anyone in a similar position so I thought I’d share it!!

Infertility · Ivf

Thinking can be the best thing for me… and the worst!

Looking around, I’m struggling to find blogs to read to help support people at the end of there ivf journey. Maybe once it’s over people don’t want to think about it any more, I was like that for a good couple of months. Thinking about it it’s probably more like 6 months, I just didn’t need to think about it at all. It was over so what good would it have done? But nothing can stop that quickly and not have an effect on you after being such a large part of your life surely?!

I feel ready to talk about it openly, I’m not embarrassed that I had to have ivf nor am I embarrassed that it didn’t work. It’s a fact of life that not everything works out the way you wanted it to, and that’s ok. Unfortunately I put all my ‘eggs’ in one basket! And they weren’t even my eggs they were someone else’s. But this metaphorical basket with as many eggs as my donors could muster up was all I thought about and all that mattered to me for a long time! Even before they existed it was all I thought about they took over my life. At the time I was ok with that, I wanted to put every last bit of energy in to it so I could never look back and say I didn’t try my best!

I was diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) at 16! From that moment on I knew I’d never have my own children and that ivf was my only option, although it was hard, it gave me a focus. I could plan for the future and my future ivf baby’s! I know I sound so certain here, and I was ! unfortunately that was my downfall! I never even considered that I wouldn’t have a child that way! Maybe I just didn’t want to admit that it was a possibility that t wouldn’t work. Maybe I was just so young and naive when I found out that I stayed in that mindset for so long, maybe I’m just a total fool, I don’t know! But I really am struggling with it now! I have nothing to focus on anymore. And I’m like a lost soul! So I’m working on ways to combat how I’m feeling!! So far my plan to combat it is as follows……

  1. Write a blog. My thoughts here are that I can get everything down that I’m feeling. If people don’t read it that’s ok. I’m not doing it for other people but I really would love it if I could help people who read it to feel a little better and more positive  about life after ivf! And at the very least I’d love for even just one person to know they are not alone!!!
  2. Change in career!!! I have worked with children forever! It’s all I know and I think really when I sit down and think about it properly, it was an automatic reaction to being told i would never have children.. if I can’t have my own then i will work with children and make a difference that way. But the problem is that now it’s hard! It’s hard spending everyday seeing other people’s children grow in to fabulous young people. It’s so rewarding but it’s becoming more apparent to me that maybe it’s doing more harm to my mental wellbeing than good.. it’s like I’m torturing myself every day by showing myself what I can’t have! But what can I do! It’s a question that goes round and round and ROUND in my head! On loop… ALL the time!! I want a change! But it’s much easier said than done! 
  3. I sat with my partner last night! And he asked me plainly what do you want out of life? And really what came out of that question was that I want to make a difference, I want to help people and help them overcome issues they have. I’m hoping that I could start a fertility support group, in real life and online as well! But it’s at the planning stage at the moment! Il keep the blog updated of how it’s going!
  4. I need to change my way of thinking to ‘I have nothing to focus on’ to ‘the world is my oyster’ as a couple we can do what we want. We can enjoy our ahem (very late) 20’s and we can concentrate on ourselves, our relationships, our fitness, our house! I have to remind myself that there’s nothing to stop us doing and being whatever we want! And that has to be taken as a positive right?? 

So there’s my plan! I’m open to ideas though! I would love to hear from people who have been where I am and turned the situation into a positive! Because that’s what I’m determined to do! I’m by going to mope around! I’m not going to let it drag me down! I want to shift my passion and determination onto something else! And I think that is to help and support others. After all, I’ve been there and we are all in it together!!

Infertility · Ivf

We are constantly moving forward. 

Now we have the introduction out of the way.

I wondered how many of you were or are feeling lost after drawing a line under ivf?

It’s such a weird feeling. A lot of my friends and family say they could really see that a weight had been lifted after my last cycle. And mostly I would agree, I don’t have all that pain, frustration and HORMONES hanging around me like bad smells but it’s not that easy, not that easy to let go of it all, to decide that’s it and I’m ready to move on. Is anyone ever ready to do that? I think that the struggle now is was more internal.

This is where I’m at right now. We don’t have children. And that’s not the part that’s causing so much of my anxiety. It’s the hole it has left in my life. I put so much focus on it, everything I did was because of ivf, I literally lived and breathed it and it gave me purpose for such a long time!

I put any sense of career out on the back burner along with looking after myself mentally. Physically I’m ok because I put so much into it to keep me healthy for ivf. But I’m realising that I really have neglected myself, I’ve neglected to think about what makes me happy, what makes me laugh or feel content. I really need to work on getting that back because I WAS ivf for so long, but now I’m not, I’m just me, and I need to remember who that is again!