The Monday blues have well and truly hit.
It’s lovely to be back writing, and today i feel like i really need this therapy to get some emotions out of my system.
Its only recently i have realised how important it is for me to be busy and being proactive as much as possible. When i stop and sit down or ‘relax’ that is when i feel guilty. These feelings of guilt can sometimes be hard to pinpoint, and can just manifest themselves as anxiety, other times (like now) i know exactly why i am feeling guilty and the fact i am unable to change the things that have lead to these feelings just makes the anxiety so much worse! So in conclusion;
It’s half term here and as a self employed child carer the holidays can either be super busy or super quiet. This holiday its the latter and its stressing me out.
No work= no money. We are still getting ourselves back on our feet after the wedding and honeymoon and all the expenses that come with that. Its feeling like a huge crash back down to earth right now!
I am in the middle of a potential career change too, with college ramping up the pressure and volunteering as much as i can to give myself the best possible chance of a good pass rate and a job at the end of it. But all these things don’t pay, of course they do take away from the times in the day i could potentially be earning money. In short right now it just feels like a double edge sword!
As a trainee counsellor, i still can’t work as one until i am fully qualified so i am left applying for jobs that in theory i probably wouldn’t ever get!
I guess right now i am done with childcare, i don’t enjoy it anymore, and its not even paying its way like it used to. I am trying to find something in the Emotional support/Mental health arena but that is so much harder said than done right now.
With the festive season fast approaching it feels like the pressure really is on, and this week while i am sat at home looking for jobs and trying to keep myself busy its just hard to stay positive!
The busier i am the more i feel like i am contributing i guess. I feel like i am working towards something positive and this makes me feel good. This in turn helps me feel in control of my life and as another thing i have recently realised is that control is a huge deal for me. Something that has made a lot of issues clearer for me in recent years!
I know these feeling of being out of control and huge waves of anxiety come and go, i know that the won’t last long. I also know that to crave full control over my entire life isn’t healthy, nor is i realistic but accepting this is something i haven’t managed yet. Something i can take from this is my ability to process my thoughts, i am lucky to have an outlet and to have good self awareness when i am feeling this way. I guess that is the need for control in me!
I hope you guys are enjoying your Monday!
If anyone ever needs to talk then you know where i am!