Today I’m talking about recovery. Mostly in an emotional sense!
This picture is pretty much bang on when it comes to how I’m feeling on the topic!
Can you ever actually ‘recover’ from infertility or pregnancy loss? By this I mean recover from the effects. I don’t mean physically.
This is a question that has been floating round my fuzzy brain quite often of late. And I wanted to put it to you, to see what you thought. After all, I can only say from my own experiences!
I appreciate infertility and pregnancy loss are two different scenarios that don’t always overlap eachother. And maybe for some one would be easier to recover from than the other.
For me they are all intertwined and made up the pretty f**ked up last 3 or so years!
As some of you may have noticed I have been off the radar a little of late. This hasn’t been on purpose and the blog has always been at the forefront of my thoughts. But Work has been hectic. This coupled with being away quite a bit and having family over too, I just haven’t found time to sit and write. This makes me sad. And it by no means suggests that I don’t want to! This is most certainly not the case either.
I think I just have less of a need for it, and more of a desire to do so. Something that I can take or leave. And when life gets in the way I am ok to leave it.
This got me thinking, why am I ok to leave it? A couple of months back I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure I had written something down most days. I needed it, it helped me, it helped others. I felt like I was doing good and I got a buzz out of that. I still do!
It occurred to me, does this mean I am recovered? That I can move on from and the pain this has caused me for so long? .. This thought was quickly followed by an ACTUAL LOL!! (I didn’t even know they existed) and the realisation that I’m not sure I will ever ‘recover’. But do I want to? And what would even class as recovery?
The issues I have, the things I have been through have shaped me. I’m not sure if it’s for better or worse, but does that matter? There are parts of me that would possibly be different if I hadn’t gone through it all.
I think that over time I will carry on dealing with and making sense of everything. Understanding that life doesn’t always go the way we want and that I need to take control of my life the way it is instead of pining for something I may never have. But I don’t think recovery is ever possible. At least not for me. The physical and emotional scars run deep, they always will. And still it doesn’t take much time to pass before I remember being in hospital, the pain I felt when I was losing my baby, the sounds of the nurses voice when she told me the last cycle had failed. It’s all still there, ringing in my ear.
I’m confident though, that I’m getting better and that time is a great healer, it also shows us the best ways to deal with things. Mostly through trial and error!
What do you guys think? Do you ever wonder if one day you just won’t think about it all again? And that itl be a distant, faint memory? Maybe I’m dwelling, I have a tendency to do that!
I can’t wait to hear from you guys!
Until next time!