I lack confidence, i am well aware of this! And this quote gives me another kick in the right direction!!
During IVF my relationship with hubby changed a lot, i lost confidence in myself but gained confidence in us as a couple!
Partly we grew SO much closer! Which obviously is something very positive to come out of it! I am so aware that for some couples it doesn’t work quite like that and can really push you apart! I am so glad that didn’t happen to us, i am not sure how i would have coped!
Saying all this though i think i also relied on him heavily for so much!
TOO MUCH !
Some days i relied on him to physically get me out of bed because i couldn’t do it myself! I couldn’t see why i needed to!
For sure it strengthened us in a way, i think having to ‘look after me’ gave him a reason to keep moving forward. Speaking about it since, he says it was the only thing that got him through and i think that part of me knew that. But i really have lost my independence in a way. I’ve lost my confidence to do things by myself, to rely on my own judgement on decisions and these feelings are still lingering now.
I am slowly getting better but it is taking a long time for us both to adjust back into a world where i don’t have to be looked after all the time! I might sound crazy here, and i am not talking EVERYTHING of course! What i mostly mean is emotionally and mentally at least these are the once that have stuck for longer. But thinking about it, there was more in the early days. Sometimes i didn’t want to eat, i didn’t feel like i deserved food, he would cook for me to make sure i ate that day, and that became a habit over time, to the point where i expected it. He would also take over doing my invoices for work, that really i should be doing but I felt like i wasn’t emotionally able to do anything but exist for such a long time.
Things are so much better and i am more my old self. My confidence is still low though but i am working on it slowly and taking it step by step! This blog has had a huge impact on building my confidence!
In times when the anxiety is at its worst i revert back to that person who can’t function without him, he automatically walks back in to that role, my backbone basically. Sometimes i overlook the fact that without him, i could have crumbled. I don’t thank him enough. I am not sure i could have held someone up like that in a time when i was hurting too!
This weekend i am in for a huge challenge..
I am going away, just myself to see friends. I have to get on a plane. I hate planes!
All i can think is i wish he was coming with me! I know once i’m there i won’t want him there! Its girly time. But my anxieties about staying away from home, going on a plane and being away from him are all adding up to a pretty anxious week for me! I want it to be over, and want it to stay in the distance in equal measures. I also can’t wait to see my friends and spend quality time with them! That makes no sense does it?! Welcome to my brain!
I know deep down that once i am there i will love it, and once i am home i will have an amazing sense of achievement. Ultimately i think my overriding reason for feeling SO anxious about the whole thing is that i am putting so much emphasis on the whole thing. I feel like this is one of the last hurdles in a VERY long race for me, i am just terrified of falling!
Have you ever felt like this about travelling alone or having something coming up that you know will challenge you hugely?!
I would love to hear some tips or surviving the weekend!