Thanks for reading part 1 if you haven’t already but are reading this, it probably won’t make much sense unless you do!
I split it into two in the hopes that it would be easier to read, and you guys would have to invest less time into sitting down an reading one of my posts!
After the miscarriage, time passed.. eventually i had to see her. As a relatively tight nit family it was causing stress on other people because i refused to spend any time around her. And the longer i stayed away the more anxious i was getting about the day when i would have to!
When i did we did it in a group situation, it was awkward! Half the group would be with us, being gentle and subdued because of our news, the other half was energetic and exited about the pregnancy that was progressing nicely! Then they would all swap over and do their duties for the other side!
I remember she was complaining about how hard pregnancy was, about how she needed to eat all the time and the morning sickness was driving her mad! I am sure this is something that most pregnant people experience but why complain around me?! It was mean, plain and simple. I felt like she was taunting me and showing me what i could have had every step of her pregnancy! I made a comment at one point, saying ‘its a good sick feeling though isn’t it?’ meaning that at least its a sign things are going well! I remember feeling like that before we lost our baby, it wasn’t nice but it was oh so comforting to know they were in there! She just looked at me like i was insane!
After a while, things between us and them weren’t getting any better, we organised to sit down with them and talk about what she had said to me. I was terrified to see her, what she was going to say to me. Was i going to scream at her from all the pent up anxiety that had been building up? Would i just break down and cry that there was a pregnant person in my house and it wasn’t me!? It was all too much. Eventually they came over and the whole thing is a blur. I told her how much what she said had effected me, and i asked if she actually realised how hurtful it was.. In fairness i don’t think she had realised how bad it was, but i find it hard to decide if that makes it better or worse. We all talked, i got upset and it was over very quickly. But afterwards, in family situations, she acted as if nothing had happened and was totally normal with me, i found this hard to adjust to and i was still on edge around her!
It was a tough time, and it made my recovery mentally a lot slower. Eventually when the baby was born, it got easier. I tried to see the baby as a whole other being, separate from her mother. As someone who looks after children for a living, this was much easier for me, and i have always loved the child as who she is. My Niece. And so we all moved on as much as possible and the relationship between myself and my nieces mother has improved as a direct result.
Fast forward to the present day..
Last week i had the most amazing weekend away with friends for a Hen Do. When i came home i was high on the joy and fun we had all had! I walked through the door, still with my coat on and Hubby hits me with the news that they are pregnant again. I wasn’t best pleased at his timing, and hearing someone is pregnant is always hard. Especially when you aren’t expecting the news at all! But I wasn’t sad, i was happy for them. Deep down i felt sad for myself that all over again i would have to deal with the stuff we did last time. It would remind me of what we lost and what we won’t ever have and quite frankly i was jealous!
I went in the shower and cried for a while, shook it all off and tried to make sense of this information i had just been bombarded with! I came out feeling a little numb but better! If only hubby had chosen a better time to tell me, i think i would have dealt with it in a different way!
Only at this time did it occur to me to ask how pregnant she was. His reply… 2 WEEKS!!!!! 2 BLOODY WEEKS and they are telling everyone! I was angry at how little people appreciate what can go wrong in early pregnancy, how precious those little embryos can be!
Later that night i had gone to bed early after my busy weekend away, i heard Hubby on the phone and he sounded concerned. He came upstairs to tell me that she had been bleeding heavily and they were going to go to A&E.
I told him straight away, without any hesitation that if she needed to speak to someone who knew about this kind of stuff that she could ring me anytime and he told his brother this.
The next few days i was drip fed info by hubby i concluded that they were having a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, and had said to hubby that it was a shame they took the test when they did, if they hadn’t she would probably have put it down to a heavy period.
A couple of nights after this, i got a message from her asking to go for a chat. Honestly, i wanted to, i wanted to help, i wanted to impart the information i have and i wanted to try and make a difference in their recovery from whatever it was that had actually gone on! This was an unexpected feeling for me to be honest!
So we met up, and i was told that actually the bleeding had only been slight and that the HCG levels were still high although they were going down, no details were spared and i listened. Once she had stopped talking she got upset, and told me she felt bad for doing so.
It was at this point i told her that no matter how ‘pregnant’ you might have been (which it turns out was only very slightly), you are still loosing something and you must never beat yourself up for feeling sad. Not everyone will understand and some might tell you to just get on with things. But whatever happened it was a loss, maybe not of a baby, but of a potential. For my Neice to have a sibling, for them to have another child, for a future they thought they might be getting. And i meant every word of what i said to her. We sat chatting about it all for a while. I explained as best i could about HCG levels and what happens in very early pregnancy, the bit where, during IVF you have daily updates on, but in real life you have no idea anything is happening what so ever! Just like she didn’t. I also told her precious and fragile early pregnancy can be. And that really until 3 Months nothing is a guarantee, not that it is after that stage of course. I explained that this happens to women all the time and that mostly they just have no idea it is happening, i wanted her to know that she hadn’t done anything wrong and that she was not abnormal!
I got home and Hubby told me how proud he was of me for stepping up like that, and honestly i was proud of myself. After everything she had done to me, the way she had behaved. I was able to deal with this head on and actually help, something if you asked me a year ago i would have never believed i could.
I am recovering from all that i have been through, and i am so so so much stronger than i ever thought i could be!