Last week i struggled with my mental health, a couple of factors made things worse but really nothing that was worthy of my mental state, in the end though i really struggled to enjoy the positive experiences i had and i am now regretting how i was feeling and beating myself up over what i missed out on.
There was all sorts of coverage of the so called ‘Blue Monday’ last week. It tickles me somewhat that people feel like its needed to name days like this! Surely putting a name to it can legitimise negative thoughts and feelings more?! As someone who has to purposefully try to be positive much of the time, i found that last week was easier to be negative because i had blue Monday to blame, its not the acknowledgement of the day that bothers me, just the fact that someone has named it and now everyone has been talking about it! Next year there will be cards in the shops to celebrate!!!
OK – RANT OVER!
Myself and Hubby discussed ways to get through times where my mental health is forcing me to only seeing the negatives in life, it distresses him to see me that way and sometimes he can struggle to understand which can cause tension. We decided that in bed each night before we go to sleep we will tell each other two things that have been positive about that day. This will help me see the good in the day, and help him see how i struggle to do so. I feel like despite it being a very small task, it will do a us good to do so!
Sometimes i am so worried he is going to think i am totally crazy for feeling the way i do, i forget to express my feelings to him, and when i do things get so much better. (and there is a positive for today! Fabulous)
We also discussed our pregnancy losses at the end of last week. Something that doesn’t happen much anymore and we both agreed that we couldn’t work out if we should or shouldn’t talk about them any more. When we do it makes us sad, we can’t change what happened and in theory that is behind us now. But sometimes i feel like if we had spoken about it all more then maybe we would both be able to be a bit more open with each other and our feelings! I know he still has times where he feels like he still needs to protect me from anything that could potentially be painful of trigger my anxiety like he used to back then, my thoughts are that right now i need to be more self sufficient and not rely on him as much! We did think maybe now might be the right time to look into fertility counselling, maybe to put everything to bed and move on entirely. But then is that leaving our (potential) children in the past, and do we want to do that like they never existed!?
For me, the longer ago IVF was the more difficult i find dealing with it all. For the first year it was still so raw and the emotions were still well and truly in the forefront of my mind, friends and family would talk openly about it and it was understood that we would be struggling.
Since the year mark, i have felt different. Friends and family have long forgotten it all, and it is no longer something that is spoken about in general conversation. I feel like i am less able to reference all that pain with my current emotions because in reality they probably aren’t directly related any more. I think ultimately, i am worried i am going to forget the children we lost, and i think that maybe i should have something permanent that would remind me of them in a physical form so that mentally i can let go of the pain! I haven’t even spoken to Hubby about this, its crazy that when i write like this, things can become clearer almost immediately. I can find the words i have been searching to say for so long and all of a sudden the fog clears! Sometimes my brain speaks to my fingers and i have no control over the outcome!
I was going to talk about some other things in this post, more positive plans for the future, but i feel like it has been a pretty heavy, heartfelt post and i think it is best to leave it there for today.
I hope Monday is good to you all!
Much love guys! Thanks for listening (reading) !