blogging · Infertility

Blue Monday

Last week i struggled with my mental health, a couple of factors made things worse but really nothing that was worthy of my mental state, in the end though i really struggled to enjoy the positive experiences i had and i am now regretting how i was feeling and beating myself up over what i missed out on.

There was all sorts of coverage of the so called ‘Blue Monday’ last week. It tickles me somewhat that people feel like its needed to name days like this! Surely putting a name to it can legitimise negative thoughts and feelings more?! As someone who has to purposefully try to be positive much of the time, i found that last week was easier to be negative because i had blue Monday to blame, its not the acknowledgement of the day that bothers me, just the fact that someone has named it and now everyone has been talking about it!  Next year there will be cards in the shops to celebrate!!!

OK – RANT OVER!

Myself and Hubby discussed ways to get through times where my mental health is forcing me to only seeing the negatives in life, it distresses him to see me that way and sometimes he can struggle to understand which can cause tension. We decided that in bed each night before we go to sleep we will tell each other two things that have been positive about that day. This will help me see the good in the day, and help him see how i struggle to do so. I feel like despite it being a very small task, it will do a us good to do so!

Sometimes i  am so worried he is going to think i am totally crazy for feeling the way i do, i forget to express my feelings to him, and when i do things get so much better. (and there is a positive for today! Fabulous)

We also discussed our pregnancy losses at the end of last week. Something that doesn’t happen much anymore and we both agreed that we couldn’t work out if we should or shouldn’t talk about them any more. When we do it makes us sad, we can’t change what happened and in theory that is behind us now. But sometimes i feel like if we had spoken about it all more then maybe we would both be able to be a bit more open with each other and our feelings! I know he still has times where he feels like he still needs to protect me from anything that could potentially be painful of trigger my anxiety like he used to back then, my thoughts are that right now i need to be more self sufficient and not rely on him as much! We did think maybe now might be the right time to look into fertility counselling, maybe to put everything to bed and move on entirely. But then is that leaving our (potential) children in the past, and do we want to do that like they never existed!?

For me, the longer ago IVF was the more difficult i find dealing with it all. For the first year it was still so raw and the emotions were still well and truly in the forefront of my mind, friends and family would talk openly about it and it was understood that we would be struggling.

Since the year mark, i have felt different. Friends and family have long forgotten it all, and it is no longer something that is spoken about in general conversation. I feel like i am less able to reference all that pain with my current emotions because in reality they probably aren’t directly related any more. I think ultimately, i am worried i am going to forget the children we lost, and i think that maybe i should have something permanent that would remind me of them in a physical form so that mentally i can let go of the pain! I haven’t even spoken to Hubby about this, its crazy that when i write like this, things can become clearer almost immediately. I can find the words i have been searching to say for so long and all of a sudden the fog clears! Sometimes my brain speaks to my fingers and i have no control over the outcome!

I was going to talk about some other things in this post, more positive plans for the future, but i feel like it has been a pretty heavy, heartfelt post and i think it is best to leave it there for today.

I hope Monday is good to you all!

Much love guys! Thanks for listening (reading) !

11 thoughts on “Blue Monday

  1. Having something physical to have as a special “keepsake” of what you have lost is an excellent tool for grief. Many people choose to plant trees etc or donate a brick/bench whatever for a park or something. You could also collect beautiful stones and keep them in a pretty jar or glass, each one representing a chance of hope. It’s a beautiful way to give peace and closure and also keep a piece of rememberance.

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  2. I know what you mean about over time people have let it go and kind of got over it but it’s so hard to let go yourself. My last transfer I got a positive test on our official test day and miscarried later that day, I still carry my scan from transfer day in my diary as my keepsake. I don’t want to forget him/her/them they was a part of me and I want that with me always xx different ways for different people xx do what’s best for yourself, even if it’s buy a peace of jewellery in remembrance so u have it on you always xx

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    1. Thanks for commenting! I’m so sorry what you went through! Very nice for you to have the picture and keep it with you! A peice of jewellery is a nice idea actually! I want something for me and hubby maybe we could get something matching!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely agree to having something permanent, for them and for you. Have you considered a tattoo? Might not be your thing, but just thought I’d mention it. Maybe a beautiful rose for each one in the garden with a plaque or something? Just a focus for you, so its there and they are not being ignored xx

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  4. I have been reading your posts for the past hour and they threw me 7 years back to the fertility treatments I went through. I send you lots of hugs and good thoughts. I loved the idea of planting a tree.

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