When life just passes you by..

Good afternoon everyone!

I want to share something with you,

‘There are times in life where you think.. this is good.. this is what makes me happy!
It could be anything.. a butterfly, the sound of water from a stream, a family members hug, even a good plate of food!
Today I had all of these things.. and yet I still ended up huddled in a corner crying unable to understand my feelings.
Angry that I can’t control the way I feel and that I’m letting good days pass as bad ones because my brain is telling me so!
Sometimes I think my brain must hate me.. it gives me no clue as to when or why it will make me feel this way, sometimes I just dwell in my own self pity and feel so upset and angry, and take it out on those closest to me!
It’s 8.39 on a Friday night and I’m sitting with a hot water bottle, a cuppa, some yogurt and watching a murder mystery because it’s about the only thing I feel capable of doing right now!
And I can’t help but wonder if life is just passing me by and I’m just in it for the ride?, sleep is what i need right now, so as not to think and to rest’

And so i slept..

Last night i sat and wrote the above on my phone, it was never meant to be a blog post, i was sitting in my own little bubble and needed to write how i was feeling down, to help me understand it and in an attempt to stop all those thoughts and feelings eating me up inside!

I read it this morning because i don’t even fully remember writing it, i am feeling a little better and more able to asses how i was feeling. I think it is such an important insight into what goes on inside the head of someone having an anxiety attack that i wanted to share it!

I am not embarrassed that i felt that way, and i do not regret that i spent my evening inside trying to shut the world out, because that was, at the time, what felt right for me.

Lately, my anxiety has been playing up, maybe due to putting myself ‘out there’ with my blog and podcasts and committing to writing a book, maybe due to being out of routine in my work and home life. But either way i should be able to deal with these things, and what makes me anxious most of all is not being able to understand my own thoughts and feelings.

When i begun this blog i promised to write about the world i now find myself in, without children and trying to find my place, well, this is my ‘Post IVF world’ and what infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss and so much more has done to me. But i am determined to work through it and make a positive out of it all.. its just working out how that’s the hard part!