childless · Infertility · Ivf · lifestyle · menopause · mental health

When life just passes you by..

Good afternoon everyone!

I want to share something with you,

‘There are times in life where you think.. this is good.. this is what makes me happy!
It could be anything.. a butterfly, the sound of water from a stream, a family members hug, even a good plate of food!
Today I had all of these things.. and yet I still ended up huddled in a corner crying unable to understand my feelings.
Angry that I can’t control the way I feel and that I’m letting good days pass as bad ones because my brain is telling me so!
Sometimes I think my brain must hate me.. it gives me no clue as to when or why it will make me feel this way, sometimes I just dwell in my own self pity and feel so upset and angry, and take it out on those closest to me!
It’s 8.39 on a Friday night and I’m sitting with a hot water bottle, a cuppa, some yogurt and watching a murder mystery because it’s about the only thing I feel capable of doing right now!
And I can’t help but wonder if life is just passing me by and I’m just in it for the ride?, sleep is what i need right now, so as not to think and to rest’

Image result for anxiety

And so i slept..

Last night i sat and wrote the above on my phone, it was never meant to be a blog post, i was sitting in my own little bubble and needed to write how i was feeling down, to help me understand it and in an attempt to stop all those thoughts and feelings eating me up inside!

I read it this morning because i don’t even fully remember writing it, i am feeling a little better and more able to asses how i was feeling. I think it is such an important insight into what goes on inside the head of someone having an anxiety attack that i wanted to share it!

Image result for its a new day

I am not embarrassed that i felt that way, and i do not regret that i spent my evening inside trying to shut the world out, because that was, at the time, what felt right for me.

Lately, my anxiety has been playing up, maybe due to putting myself ‘out there’ with my blog and podcasts and committing to writing a book, maybe due to being out of routine in my work and home life. But either way i should be able to deal with these things, and what makes me anxious most of all is not being able to understand my own thoughts and feelings.

When i begun this blog i promised to write about the world i now find myself in, without children and trying to find my place, well, this is my ‘Post IVF world’ and what infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss and so much more has done to me. But i am determined to work through it and make a positive out of it all.. its just working out how that’s the hard part! 

Image result for stronger today quotes

12 thoughts on “When life just passes you by..

  1. It can take along time to work through thoughts and feelings. As you know, the only way I’ve been able to make sense of mine was through therapy. I now recognise when it’s coming and can handle it much better. It can be hard work! I didn’t enjoy anything in life and felt it was passing me by. You will get there and you will find a way that works for you but don’t be afraid to ask for help xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words! I’m so much better today than yesterday and Friday! It’s crazy though.. how I can just fall into it without realising really!!! Seriously.. thank you so much! For all you say to me!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry you had such a bad day. I find it just throws me so much, especially if it comes out of the blue. I truly think the things that have helped me have been, counselling, meditation and reading The Power of Now. All these things help me to control the run-away, spiralling nature of the anxiety in my head. In the end though, all we can do is be kind to ourselves. Self care is the most important thing. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better now. Take care xxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s