So i am carrying on the one post a day for world childless week.
The idea behind me doing one every day is to raise as much awareness as possible and show people it’s okay to talk about childlessness when you are ready to do so, sometimes it can be therapeutic to talk about it, and helpful to speak to other people in the same boat as you.
There’s a really helpful list of topics set out for each day on the world childless week website and so i am going to follow that as much as i can in terms of what my daily posts are made up of.
Wednesday’s topic is writing a letter to the ‘reason’ for childlessness.
Of course everyone has different diagnosis, and experiences that have lead them to be childless and no story will be the same, but here is a letter to the reason (early menopause) that i am childless.
I’m sure you won’t expect this but i just want to thank you.
I am thanking you for making me the person i am today, without you, i am not sure who i would be, i am not sure if i would be a better person, or worse maybe, but as it is, i am a pretty driven individual who knows her own mind, and am so much stronger than i ever thought i could be, and it is all because of you!
It has been a very long and bumpy road to get to the place where i am able to say that about myself, and i am sure i have taken the long way round, i still have some very down days/weeks, even months sometimes, but i am getting there, and i know my own strength now, so thank you for testing me, and throwing challenges my way, i am still here, and i have survived, which isn’t something i always thought i would be along the way!
You have made me childless, and i do not thank you for that, i have spent my entire adult life trying to get pregnant, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not, but my own body has betrayed me many a time by letting me get so close and then snatching my dream away from me, that has been hard to accept and to understand and those inevitable words ‘why me’ are forever etched on my brain.
My relationship has been tested beyond explanation but we have never thought of giving up, i won’t let you tear the person i love the most in the world away from me too, because it is possible, relationships with loved ones can be tested, can be lost and never repaired because of everything that has come because of you, but i refuse to let you take me over, you are a part of me, one i have learned to accept, and in a strange way, grow fond of, but you are not all of me, you are a small bit that has helped shaped who i am, some for better and some worse.
I am learning to live in a world where at least for the moment we are childless, it haunts me everyday that we came so close, but we are shaping our world around new plans, that don’t include children and try to make it as exiting and fulfilling as we can.
Menopause, i feel like now, after 10 years of living together, you and me have finally found a way to live in some sort of harmony, where you don’t bother me too much and i don’t aggravate you, its better this way.
the person you chose to prey on way before you should have.
One day we will adopt, and will no longer be childless, but society’s view on adoption and if that makes you a ‘real’parent is a whole other post and one i intend on writing about soon!
Until tomorrow, thank you for reading!