Today i thought i would talk to you about something i haven’t really touched on yet when writing my blog….
I have always avoided a label when it comes to my eating habits.
Mostly this is down to denial.
The very fact i can admit that it is down to denial is a huge step in the right direction for sure, and for that i am proud!
But yeah, all in all my relationship with food is pretty bad! I go through peaks and troughs where i am either at one extreme or another, one where i love it, and will eat anything with no guilt associated, or the other where food is the devil, to be avoided at all costs and my weight is controlled with ridiculous amounts of precision.
At the moment i am in the latter stage, food is the enemy…
IT MAKES ME FAT!
And i struggle to eat anything more than cereals, egg and yogurt! They are my safe food,the ones i have convinced myself wont make me fat but will give me a decent amount of nutrition and energy to get through each and every day.
Carbs are a no go, and when i really am backed in to a corner and eat them i regret it to the point of going into an anxiety attack where i freak out and feel like i am going to vomit, the fear i feel when i eat this kind of food doesn’t just effect my brain but it really does effect me physically.
The people around me don’t understand, they try for sure but they never get it,for me it is about control, the lack of control i have had in my life has been hard on me, i feel like my body has taken choices away from me that any other ‘normal’ person has as a matter of course.
And because of this, i take back my control but in a way that is detrimental to my body, maybe i want to punish it for what it has done to me, i’m sure some where deep down that is exactly what i am doing, although it is hard to admit that i am behaving in this self sabotaging way!
For me this has been just another side effect of my early menopause diagnosis, along with everything else i have battled this for so long, its deep rooted, and something that i have accepted as an on going internal argument between my head and my logic.
I am hoping that over time i can get better, and that i can relax the way i am with food, but in all honestly i am happy with the control i have over my food, it is something that no one can take away from me and i can have for myself.. and a part of me wants it to stay that way!
I saw this quote while i was writing this post and it is SO true…
That was just a short one for you today, if you are going through a similar thing, please feel free to contact me on my ‘contact page‘ or comment below, i would love to be able to help, support and just chat with you guys!!
Until next time…