Infertility · Pregnancy loss

When your mind takes over..

Is anyone awake?

So it’s 1.31am precisely and in a little suburb of Newcastle upon Tyne I am lying on my kitchen floor with our new dog (Freddy) who was crying and making a whole lot of noise, and my mind is taking over my logical thinking, it must be hard for him, the new people, the new noises, the new smells. Everything totally new.. oh and now you have to sleep alone in a strange room (with an annoying dripping tap that I didn’t realise happened)
Note to self ; fix tap (or more likely get someone too)


Anyway as I’m sitting here in the dark with a dog I don’t know yet.. it makes me think, (because I can’t sleep half in a metal crate and half out of it… and oh how I wish I had socks on!!)
If we had have been blessed with children, is this how I would feel in the middle of the night?
Awake. Tired. Trying to make no noise at all!?
Is this how I would feel about them? Do anything I could to make them feel happy, safe, secure?
I even thought about all the other people out there at the moment. Awake because they are putting there own tiredness after the little being that relies on them for everything?
Is this why I have always wanted a dog? Because I wanted to feel like something relied on me entirely?
And how things would be right now if I hadn’t had the miscarriage? Our baby would be 8 months old now. So I guess. Yes. I would be tired. I would be putting them before myself.. and I contemplate how different life could have been.


I begrudge feeling sad and dwelling on it, it’s happened, it’s the way it is, sometimes I even feel glad I’m not one of these zombie mums who survive on coffee! Although I know deep down I would do anything to be one of those!
I’m sure it’s just the tiredness that’s making me ramble on, but I though I might as well share my thoughts with you, instead of letting the run away with me..
It’s strange how the mind works. What triggers these deep moments of reflection! Being in a dog cage isn’t something I ever thought would take me straight back to our loss!
But it all works in mysterious ways!
Now. It’s 1.45am and I have managed to climb out the crate without him following me.. I’m saying that’s a small victory for now!
Really need to research how to do the whole night time training thing! Advise really really really appreciated by the way!
Maybe I am out of my depth! But maybe not!
It’s not helping that I can hear hubby snoring upstairs and my feel are freezing!!!
Anyway! Maybe il try and write some more posts.. and then probably re wrote them in the morning because they will make no sense!
But for now… goodnight!

(Stares at screen a while deciding if I’m awake enough to make this post pretty like the rest.. or just send it out there for the world to see in its raw state, never usually post from my phone!)


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