Its time for the second instalment of my Infertility diaries, grab a cuppa and a biscuit or two… for those who didn’t manage to ready the last one here it is.
Are you ready? Comfy?
Okay, lets go……..
Last time my post ended where i was trying to avoid going to the doctors about the lack of periods.
Eventually my Mum persuaded me, i have vague memory of her bribing me with pizza (my mind is always on pizza though so i cant be sure) so either way, we went, and honestly they weren’t very bothered.
It took a good couple of times going backwards and forwards before we got any sort of referral and even then i think they were doing it because my mum was pretty forceful with them, and growing more and more concerned, i was about 16 by this time, and i did feel very out of place that i hadn’t started yet, emotionally and mentally it was starting to effect me.
Once we managed to get the referral it felt a lot more serious, i was going to hospital for a scan, that was the first thing they did, not bloods or anything, it felt odd having a scan on my stomach, i thought it was only pregnant people that got these, i remember being in the waiting room with my mum and thinking, i hope these people don’t think i’m pregnant so young and think badly of us! (on reflection at least then i would have a child)
Unfortunately i have a huge fear of needles, like catastrophic… terrified.. hiding in the corner of the room rocking style fear and when the inevitable blood test came it was beyond traumatic, the nurses were so harsh on me, no sympathy whatsoever, i got half a feeling they thought we were wasting their time in all of this anyway and the fact i was cowering away from them and the needle just infuriated them more, it stressed my mother out too and she was getting more and more anxious that i sit still and just get it over with, in the end there was my mum and two nurses physically holding me down while another nurse took my blood. i was sobbing, utterly overwhelmed by the whole thing and traumatised that my fear had gone totally overlooked!
Whilst waiting on the results i got put on a pill (i forget the name now) which was designed to kick start my cycle and it was agreed that this would probably work and that we were free to go. THANK GOD FOR THAT!!
In all honesty i wish i had discussed that first appointment more, with my mother yes, or my dad.. or anyone really, i don’t think i allowed myself time to actually think about what might have been going on, i just got on with it, pretty naively really and took the tablets, which ultimately didn’t do a thing.. nada, and that is when i first realised there was something not quite right!
Hold on just a minute…
While i am on the subject of talking about it, there is most definitely not enough room for hormonal/menstrual cycle narrative in the education system, its all well and good giving children sex education and i appreciate that but if these children had a clearer understanding of how there own hormones etc worked then maybe they would understand it all so much easier, this would also give people with issues like mine, like PCOS and other related problems a better chance of finding out what is going on earlier and being able to treat it and plan for the future better!! Anyway.. if you are reading this and interested in working together to raise awareness… organise an initiative..anything to help the education of hormonal related health problems then get in touch.. someone has to do something about it, lets do it together!!
Anyway… rant over..
The first hormonal survey came back and we went in to see the doctor she said it suggested secondary amenorrea which she was ‘surprised’ about!!! Surprised!!! Well wahoo… you have had a surprise today that’s fabulous… I’ve just had a life changing diagnosis so lets try and work on that shall we?!!?!!
She even went as far as saying that she thought it would reverse itself. because it was so unusual for my age! Now i am not a doctor, i don’t claim to have any professional medical training, but to this day i still maintain that it was truly unfair for this highly qualified women’s health professional to be telling someone, especially a 16 year old of their diagnosis and then in the same breath giving them hope that it would all reverse itself and would go back to being the way it should be, it felt like she way covering her back, she didn’t want to commit to the diagnosis that was staring her in the face, there really should be more training for medical professionals in this sector for sure!
It was that possibility that i clung on to for years.. so many years.. and of course it never happened it gave me so much false hope, not just me, my whole family and i just wish that she had never even mentioned it!
But that was it…
The diagnosis was out there.. the words had been said, and i was menopausal at 16 and my life changed forever, i wasn’t a normal teenager anymore, i was confused and scared, and didn’t no which way to turn, there was no therapy offered to me, or any support, there was nothing, just me in my little world that had been turned upside down, alone and lost.
My mum was there, of course, my whole immediate family was, my mum was going through the menopause herself, which resulted in some high level hormone fuelled arguments for sure, but in reality they were dealing with it too, it was hard for everyone.
For me, i was angry, at my body, and my symptoms, and the knowledge that i had of my future.
And so i took back control, but i controlled my body, my eating habits, my exercise and i went too far, i hardly ate, i exercised for hours each day, i thought if i can’t control the inside of my body then i will control the outside, the damage was already done in my mind, of course that was rubbish, i think i really just wanted to punish my body like it was punishing me, for what, i have no idea, but it was painful, physically, emotionally, mentally.
I think i am going to leave it there… it is a hard read for you guys, and it is a hard write for me, bringing back those memories, ultimately to get it all down on ‘paper’ is therapeutic and i am so grateful for the opportunity, but little bits at a time, it would be too much to do it all in the same post, for the both of us!
I hope this is going some way to see the story behind what you have seen in my ‘post IVF world’ and for anyone just diagnosed i hope you see you are not alone, and things will eventually get less difficult!!
For something a little bit easier to read.. i did a great Q and A post the other day.. read it here and then have a go!!!
So for now…