The end of last week wasn’t the most positive i have ever felt, i had a couple of ‘what am i doing with my life, this isn’t the way it was supposed to be’ moments, and my ever supportive partner had to do his thing of talking me down and basically snapping me back into reality!
My last blog post also helped relieve some of the pent up anxiety i was having, unfortunately for the people reading this (who i am hugely grateful for) writing these things down can really help me understand whats going on inside my crazy head, so thank you to all those who read, commented and liked it, i really appreciate it!
(love a good Leo DiCaprio meme)
In all seriousness though, I think that is the worst thing to have come out of infertility for me, the anxiety can at times be crippling! It hits me like a ton of bricks, usually in the most irrational of times, like when i am sitting on the sofa at night all cosy with my other half, or as i am drifting off to sleep. BANG like a punch to the stomach i feel sick and my whole body tenses up, most of the time i cant vocalise how it feels, sometimes i cant vocalise at all! Its like a searing pain, physically its like a sudden punch, mentally its so much worse, as if someone is screaming a high pitched scream or pure terror inside my head for what feels like forever! After a while it does get better, i have this technique where i close my eyes and imagine a big (red normally, unsure why!) and put everything that is causing the anxiety inside, once i have put everything i can think of inside i close the lid and then put a giant padlock on it! If i am trying to get to sleep it usually help!
I’m absolutely aware this is most probably not the best, if not really bad, denial style way of dealing with my anxiety, however it does seem to work for me, and when i am feeling that way, anything that can help is a bonus surely that’s ok?!!?
Anyway.. today has been much better, friends and family have been round for multiple cups of tea, biscuits and cake, i also feel like i’m really getting somewhere in my quest to help support people and raise awareness of fertility and especially early menopause, this week i really have spoken to some inspiring ladies (and gentlemen) who have shown how strong they are and that ivf and infertility doesn’t have to be the end of the road, hopefully together we can make a difference for the future of infertility awareness and use our experiences to support people who need it, i really think this is where my life needs to be, everything happens for a reason right? well maybe this is the reason, and honestly, i am good with that! Bring it on!