Infertility · Uncategorized

Who am I? 

It’s been 6 months since we drew a line under ivf and made the decision to, for now, stay childless.

To begin with I felt a huge sense of pain and loss.. the loss of a child I never had in the first place, the loss of the hope that it would happen eventually. The pain of wanting something so much you felt like you could burst, whilst always knowing it’s unlikely to get it, and the realisation that actually, as much as for some reason i always thought deep down that it would work, that it hadn’t, and it wasn’t going to, although this immediate pit of the stomach awful feeling didn’t actually last as long as I expected, fairly soon I went on to have a huge sense of relief, there wasn’t this huge pressure on me anymore. To take all the vitamins and tablets and pessaries (oh how I won’t ever miss those pessaries) and the strict nutritional food I made myself eat! The relief that family and friends wouldn’t ask me how it was going every time they saw me and having to talk about it even if I wasn’t prepared to, and it was like a cloud of smoke lifted up from over me! Like when you have been away from home for any length of time and you look for changes in things around you, I felt like I was doing that. Looking at the world the way it is now compared to before I started treatment as if I’d been on some alternate planet the whole time!

And then I remembered that actually, I’m not ivf. It ruled my life for years, without me even realising it had taken over, i was consumed by it, every fibre of my being was dedicated to it and every waking hour was spent thinking about it! It was like I had held my breath for 3 whole years and I was finally breathing out again, but it was new, it was different, I couldn’t breath like I used to, I couldn’t be the person that I had been before I took that final breath in before I started this journey! That person was young and carefree who breathed in the freshest air your could imagine, cold , crisp, healthy!

Now I’m not that person, the air Im breathing has been polluted and grey.. but it is getting better, it’s getting clearer and I’m finding who I am post ivf, I’m not the person I was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a happy, fulfilled person, I might have scars, mental scars and physical, and I have good days and bad.

I am in constant battle with myself for some sort of control but I’m getting there! I’m challenging myself to do what makes me happy, and what feels right, I’m not a slave to ivf anymore, and although it didn’t have the outcome I wanted more than I’ve ever wanted anything, I think I’m mostly relieved I came out the other side at all, there were times that I couldn’t see that happening!

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15 thoughts on “Who am I? 

  1. I’m glad to see your blog as we went through 6 rounds of donor egg IVF including a miscarriage and an International adoption program we have been in for 2 years that was suspended the day before our last round of IVF failed. We are 6 weeks past those crappy results, and are headed in the direction of domestic adoption, and I still feel like I’m in the post IVF hangover.

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    1. Hi!
      Thanks for your comment! I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through! Ivf can be so cruel! It’s great you took the step forward to adoption though, it’s so important to do something positive after the pain of failed ivf cycles!
      How long are they saying your adoption process will take? It’s something we want to do in the future but are taking time out for eachother for now!!
      Your so right though! It certainly is like one big hangover!

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      1. Estimated wait is 6 to 12 months. But honestly we’re not terribly optimistic after already waited for child from Ethiopia for two years only to have the program close. That’s the thing about both adoption and fertility treatments – there are no guarantees on either. We’re barely coming up for air after spending over $60,000 on 6 rounds of DEIVF and 2/3 of the international payment, and $35,000 for domestic adoption is starting out on our credit card, ugh. What amazes me is our fertility clinic acting dumbfounded we don’t want to just keep going until the end of time. Oy.

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      2. That’s not too long I suppose! Yeah? Why did it close? It’s a minefield of issues with it all isn’t it! Most of which end in heartache!
        That’s it, it take a toll on your bank balance too and when it all comes crumbling down you just feel like you’ve thrown money away! But if you don’t try you never know! It really is like gambling!
        Do they think people are just made of money? 😡

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  2. It’s really interesting to read your post and it has given me a lot to think about. My husband and I have always had the ‘plan’ – try with our own ingredients, if that fails try a donor embryo, if that fails look into adoption. We’ve had 3 failed cycles now (the last one just a few days ago) and we’re not sure whether to try again with our own gametes or move on now to a donor embryo. I just don’t want to be doing this forever, it’s been 3 years now and like you say, it just takes over everything. Part of me would love the relief of saying “no more”, but the rest of me can’t give up yet. Brutal process, take care x

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    1. Hi! Thank you for commenting! The internal battle between wanting it all to be over and wanting just one more chance can be overwhelming I really sympathise with you! Take your time to make the decision! I’m so sorry too have had failed cycles up to now and I’m wishing you all the best for the future whatever you decide!

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  3. Thanks for this post. Deciding not to even try IVF was a very hard decision to make. And I’m still not sure it was the right idea. I also have MS and was worried what all the medications would do to my system. For the past 4 years I was very focused on getting pregnant though, it was all consuming!
    Finally decided to stop trying 2 years after I had a missed miscarriage that caused me bleeding for about 6 months before I finally had an emergency D&C. It was all so devastating.
    I am also avoiding adoption for many reasons…
    One of these being that one of my friends and his husband adopted a baby, they had him for over 6 months and then the identity of the father was discovered and although the mother had given the baby up, the father wanted to raise him. So they had to give him back. I can’t even imagine that heartache. I don’t think I could handle it.

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    1. Hi! Thanks for commenting! Sounds like you have had such a tough time, it really does take everything out of you when your focus is getting pregnant, and I think you only realise that afterward when your almost at the end of what you can manage! That was me anyway!
      Wow.. that’s unbelievable! Surely once the child is signed over then that’s the way it is? There should be a process of very in depth research before the adoption to make sure any biological family aren’t capable or willing to take the child on! He heart break your friend much have felt is totally incomprehensible to me! My heart goes out to them! We talk about adoption, my partner is more up for it that me. I think that’s because he doesn’t realise quite how tough it can be though! Great to connect with you!

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      1. There are laws in place to help with this. For the first 6 months the mother can come visit the baby. She didn’t want to come until the last opportunity she had. by this time you could tell the baby was 1/2 Asian so the mom knew who the father was.and they had to tell him. He didn’t even know she had been pregnant and wanted the baby. They kept him until the DNA results came back. This was just before Christmas, so they were allowed to keep the baby for the holiday but had to give him back after that.
        They were about a week away from being able to keep him forever. It truly was a horrible situation. This doesn’t happen if you get an older child, this was just because it was a newborn they adopted…When you do it this way you are only fostering for the first 6 months. This is in Canada…I don’t know what the laws are where you live. It is definitely something to look into if you really want children. Best of luck!

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      2. Oh I see, wow. I know adoption can be a total mine field, and like this one I’ve heard some awful stories but on the other hand I have also heard some amazing ones with truly happy endings! Thanks for your comment.

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      3. There are laws in place to help with this. For the first 6 months the mother can come visit the baby. She didn’t want to come until the last opportunity she had. by this time you could tell the baby was 1/2 Asian so the mom knew who the father was.and they had to tell him. He didn’t even know she had been pregnant and wanted the baby. They kept him until the DNA results came back. This was just before Christmas, so they were allowed to keep the baby for the holiday but had to give him back after that.
        They were about a week away from being able to keep him forever. It truly was a horrible situation. This doesn’t happen if you get an older child, this was just because it was a newborn they adopted…When you do it this way you are only fostering for the first 6 months. This is in Canada…I don’t know what the laws are where you live. It is definitely something to look into if you really want children. Best of luck!

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