Infertility · Ivf

Thinking can be the best thing for me… and the worst!

Looking around, I’m struggling to find blogs to read to help support people at the end of there ivf journey. Maybe once it’s over people don’t want to think about it any more, I was like that for a good couple of months. Thinking about it it’s probably more like 6 months, I just didn’t need to think about it at all. It was over so what good would it have done? But nothing can stop that quickly and not have an effect on you after being such a large part of your life surely?!

I feel ready to talk about it openly, I’m not embarrassed that I had to have ivf nor am I embarrassed that it didn’t work. It’s a fact of life that not everything works out the way you wanted it to, and that’s ok. Unfortunately I put all my ‘eggs’ in one basket! And they weren’t even my eggs they were someone else’s. But this metaphorical basket with as many eggs as my donors could muster up was all I thought about and all that mattered to me for a long time! Even before they existed it was all I thought about they took over my life. At the time I was ok with that, I wanted to put every last bit of energy in to it so I could never look back and say I didn’t try my best!

I was diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) at 16! From that moment on I knew I’d never have my own children and that ivf was my only option, although it was hard, it gave me a focus. I could plan for the future and my future ivf baby’s! I know I sound so certain here, and I was ! unfortunately that was my downfall! I never even considered that I wouldn’t have a child that way! Maybe I just didn’t want to admit that it was a possibility that t wouldn’t work. Maybe I was just so young and naive when I found out that I stayed in that mindset for so long, maybe I’m just a total fool, I don’t know! But I really am struggling with it now! I have nothing to focus on anymore. And I’m like a lost soul! So I’m working on ways to combat how I’m feeling!! So far my plan to combat it is as follows……

  1. Write a blog. My thoughts here are that I can get everything down that I’m feeling. If people don’t read it that’s ok. I’m not doing it for other people but I really would love it if I could help people who read it to feel a little better and more positive  about life after ivf! And at the very least I’d love for even just one person to know they are not alone!!!
  2. Change in career!!! I have worked with children forever! It’s all I know and I think really when I sit down and think about it properly, it was an automatic reaction to being told i would never have children.. if I can’t have my own then i will work with children and make a difference that way. But the problem is that now it’s hard! It’s hard spending everyday seeing other people’s children grow in to fabulous young people. It’s so rewarding but it’s becoming more apparent to me that maybe it’s doing more harm to my mental wellbeing than good.. it’s like I’m torturing myself every day by showing myself what I can’t have! But what can I do! It’s a question that goes round and round and ROUND in my head! On loop… ALL the time!! I want a change! But it’s much easier said than done! 
  3. I sat with my partner last night! And he asked me plainly what do you want out of life? And really what came out of that question was that I want to make a difference, I want to help people and help them overcome issues they have. I’m hoping that I could start a fertility support group, in real life and online as well! But it’s at the planning stage at the moment! Il keep the blog updated of how it’s going!
  4. I need to change my way of thinking to ‘I have nothing to focus on’ to ‘the world is my oyster’ as a couple we can do what we want. We can enjoy our ahem (very late) 20’s and we can concentrate on ourselves, our relationships, our fitness, our house! I have to remind myself that there’s nothing to stop us doing and being whatever we want! And that has to be taken as a positive right?? 

So there’s my plan! I’m open to ideas though! I would love to hear from people who have been where I am and turned the situation into a positive! Because that’s what I’m determined to do! I’m by going to mope around! I’m not going to let it drag me down! I want to shift my passion and determination onto something else! And I think that is to help and support others. After all, I’ve been there and we are all in it together!!

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2 thoughts on “Thinking can be the best thing for me… and the worst!

  1. I’m so sorry you had to deal with POF at 16. I was devastated when I found out at age 28! I’m still in the all-consuming stage of IVF, but I worry about what my life will look like if I am still childless in a few years. I’m planning on adoption if the IVF/egg donor route doesn’t work out. I get my 3rd embryo transfer on Wednesday and stressed that it will end up like the last two. It’s nice to hear about your thoughts post IVF. Thanks so much for sharing. Lots of love to you.

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    1. Hi! Thank you for commenting! I am so sorry about your diagnosis. DE ivf is so stressful but I have everything crossed it works out for you! Il never forget the times I waited to hear how the embryos were doing and waiting for transfer then the dreaded tww but I wierdly look back at them with fondness too. It gives us so much hope when all hope seems lost and gives you so much to focus on. It’s not regularly that someone in life gets such a life changing diagnosis and then gets given opportunities to actually try to do something about it and make it positive so we have to be thankful for that if anything?
      For now concentrate on what’s going on, don’t worry about your post ivf life, it may be very different to mine! 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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